Did Jesus spank his little saviour?

When I was growing up, my mother felt the constant need to remind me that Jesus was always watching my every move. When the day came that I discovered masturbation, I was so horrified of the thought of our Lord looking down on me that I would often find myself slumped down in the corner of our old storage closet with the lights off, a flashlight, a few pieces of toilet paper and the most current JCPenney catalog that we had (I was young, people...). I would keep the lights off because A) I was sure from my years in catholic school that Jesus was God in the form of man, therefore, like me, he could not see in the dark, and B) my mother had a crucifix and/or picture of the guy in virtually every room in the house. I'm not exactly sure when I fell out of my faith, or whether or not it had anything to do with masturbation, but I'm just spit-balling here, and I am pretty sure that if the catholic church was okay with the act of self-fulfillment, more people would be there on Sunday dropping money into baskets, paying for their salvation. I think that if God loves us and wants us to be happy, masturbation and premarital sex should be a requirement to get past St. Peter...Take a few tips from my good friend Kenny, who has been pimpin since pimpin was PIMPIN....sex is cool, and oh yea, be sure to join my group on facebook...Kevin's Crusade for Abstinence and support my cause!